the ONE

last time kp and i were in dallas, i decided to take my first birthday candle back to australia with us. it’s a clown with a blue numeral ONE for a body. he’s missing one arm. we’d been trying for a baby for a year and had plans to do IVF once we’d gotten our permanent residency. i hoped the candle would be a good luck charm.

a month or so after we got home, i realized that i had no idea what i’d done with it. i couldn’t remember packing it, definitely couldn’t remember unpacking it, and feared i’d lost it somewhere between plano and canberra. this wouldn’t have been too hard to do – it was a stressful time, on both sides of the pacific, and i was distracted. i looked through the cabinets, in my closet, in the suitcase pockets... but i couldn't find it anywhere. kp said not to worry, it would turn up.

this happened every couple of weeks – i would suddenly remember the ONE, look around for it, fret, then let kp (temporarily) calm me down with promises that i'd find it eventually. 

in april we started IVF. it was unsuccessful. i had three embryos left, so we made plans for a frozen transfer in early july but that too was a failure. i was devastated and so afraid that it wouldn't happen for us. the doctors were telling us we wouldn't conceive naturally, and here we were failing to conceive with their help. i was panicked. kp kept calm and tried in vain to get me to do the same, promising me with every setback that it was just a matter of time before we found the ONE.  

we made some changes at that point: switched fertility doctors; quit drinking; cut way back on meat; started taking a ridiculous amount of vitamins; started acupuncture and craniosacral massage; ignored work emails (and meetings and interactions with my supervisor)... you name it. and all that time, i would periodically panic about the ONE, wondering where i could have put it, hoping i hadn’t lost it... and kp would tell me not to worry, that it would turn up.

we tried a less invasive tracking cycle with our new doctor, but it didn’t work, so we started thinking about the next IVF round. the timing was going to be tricky because we’d made some travel plans for november, and it looked like we might not be able to do it until january or february. i was really frustrated. but kp said not to worry, it would work out.

on september 13, a few days after our 8^th anniversary, we hosted some neighbors at our place for mid-season mardi gras. september is the end of winter in canberra, and the perfect season to make shrimp creole. kp is the chef, so I was in charge of straightening up and arranging the mardi gras beads. i was dusting the bookshelves when suddenly it occurred to me to reach back behind a row of books... and there it was. i'd finally found the ONE!

the very next morning we learned we were pregnant - naturally! and nine months later, the ONE finally arrived, after many years of hope and anticipation. she was more than worth the wait.